December 2009
i think my house is going to be ripped right
off the foundation
it is so very windy.
It makes me nervous
I’m so worn out. I’m exhausted. But in a weird, good way.
Things are the way they should be today. At least with you. And that’s all I can ask for right now.
sometimes i am guilty of being a little bit pretentious
Here I am
and here you are
and this piece of me that has been missing
here it is.
Here is everything.
Everything
I couldn’t be any
more pleased
ezra
fucking deleted me
on facebook
what the fuck did i ever do
to deserve being ignored. and looked down upon
constantly condescended
what the fuck
did i do to you.
You bitch about how judgemental everyone else is but fucking look at you.
Look at you.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuck
Is this a mistake?
Am I making a mistake
Will I even have the opportunity to make this mistake
My brain
is going crazy.
I’m so happy
I’m so nervous, I’m so anxious, I’m so happy.
I’m so anxious
I’m so anxious. I’m so anxious.
I feel like this could be like
payback for all of the times that I did this same thing to you
and I don’t know what to do
here
because
what
ah. whywhywhwydwuhdfjkawe. I mean like it’s possible I’ll never hear anything more from you on the subject
which would make things both easier and harder on me
so now what
I wait. This is nothing new.
I’ve got a strong will and weak hands
And I don’t know what to do with either of them
I wish I felt enough things to write right now
They say you never really know someone until you live with them
Thanks, Scituate High School.
The one day I like have actual shit to do in the morning
a 2 hour delay
im laughing at myself for complaining about something so stupid.
I feel like a million things changed in the last 24 hours. and i dont even know where to begin. to talk about it. i dont know what to write. so maybe i wont write anything.
EXCEPT you. you havent changed
you still say
...
I got in to Umass amherst
Im glad because at least i know ill be going to college next year (:
even though id rather not go there
BUT
it still feels nice. to get an acceptance
I want to cry and lay in bed and sleep and sleep and sleep and then wake up and have all of this just disappear
I want this weight to go away.
I want to help you, I want to make things better for you but It’s out of my control.
I want to move past you. I want to let go of the pain I feel every day when I think about you.
I want to be good enough for you. I want to be helpful and live up...
Listen
Secretly
I’m a little bit less anxious
because I did SO MUCH college stuff today
and I’m doing puzzles
so I’m breathing
I need to go address a million envelopes
A to do list...
NYU application DONE
NYU supplement DONE
Vassar application DONE
Vassar supplement DONE
Skidmore application DONE
Skidmore supplement DONE
Bennington application DONE
Bennington supplement
MECA application DONE
MICA application
PORTFOLIO
Address 16 envelopes…..
Send recommendation letters from Ms Wachta, Ms Fanelli Ms Ward and Ms Morash to NYU, Vassar, Skidmore and...
I applied to Vassar
I applied to Skidmore
I applied to NYU.
3 to go.
I keep googling komodo dragons
they are just so funny looking
I have extreme doubts that I can finish 5 applications and supplements by december 31st.
Fuck Bard…
Not really
just. I don’t get the point of deferring an application
IjtaiuwesdjfkhW(*Adihjnckams,d
My stress level was about. Here.
and now it’s. HERE.
I guess it’s better than feeling nothing, right? Tomorrow is eating disorder day in psychology. It’s not really...
Isabel,
shut up. stop complaining.
-Isabel
How bizarre
Waking;
As close to normalcy as I can come
these days.
But as time
progresses
I digress.
It’s crushing, this pressure.
“I don’t want to go back there.
Really.”
Me
I’d go anywhere
As long as you were there
too
everyone is so depressed
can’t say I’m much better
I agree
it doesn’t feel like ~the holidays
the lights and decorations and the cheer intimidate me
Like I’m supposed to be happy now.
I was being a douche and rereading like. my facebook messages.
and I read these ones
from you.
THAT was square one.
That’s what I miss most.
I don’t know how to write this
I don’t have any idea how to describe how I feel.
I ache. My insides, it’s like a constant
ache
and the sometimes something happens
something pops up and reminds me
and it stabs
And then I didn’t get in to bard
i didnt get denied either
I’m just waiting. I’m just in the middle. I’m in this weird place, like I’m...
my application to Bard got deferred to regular decision in march
I need to apply to other schools. The deadline is so soonfnaiweosdjk
fuck.
my kitties are laying here sleeping and cuddling
Samson is like sir’s father
this warms my heart.
He died.
He just, died. I didn’t even know him. I don’t even know what he looked like
but he died. He had cancer.
Leukemia, right?
The same thing that killed him. It’s been almost 10 years.
Why does the idea of cancer always sit in the back of my head
I feel almost destined to suffer some day, like
genetically
it’s unavoidable
so where does that leave me now?
If I...
Why won’t this ever go away,
it’s like there’s always something right there
to remind me
just when I thought I could forget.
GLEE YOU BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKER I LOVE YOU.
(via capturingmoods)
I watched the show the first time thinking it would be really stupid and I could laugh at it. But it’s just too good
and I don’t even watch tv really
I just. love it. i cant get over it.
I just brainstormed
and came up with 3
fantastic ideas for my hanging sculptures
and I want to do them RIGHT NOWHAF8W9IE.
But. I can’t because my enormous roll of paper hasn’t arrived yet -_-
my sisters keeper
made me cry about 6 times.
I don’t know what to say.
I'm so warm
and cozy
I think I will stay in this spot for as long as possible.
I don’t know what to say
I don’t know where I am
I want to move in the right direction
I want to attach helium balloons to the strings on my sculptures so that they equally weigh out and just kind of hover. that would be so cool.
A minor success.
Is it really a success at all?
Or further proof that I’ve got it all backwards.
I don't think
that I want help.
I don’t want to get better
because, I know what that means.
I realized that drinking smart water makes me feel like an idiot
water is water is water is water is water. unless it’s from a hose. or from the ocean. or in a puddle.
What I’m trying to say is, I don’t want to pay 25 cents extra for a little fish on the label.
Elle a disparu
I love finishing my homework early, it makes me feel so much more relaxed for the rest of the night.
John. What you wrote got me thinking.
I always say how much I hate when people think they are better than everyone else.
But aren’t we all guilty of that at some point? I know I am. I know i’ve walked past people in the hallways and been disgusted by their shallow and pointless...
I am really quite fed up with you taking out your frustration on me
yelling for things that aren’t my fault
You say you don’t want to fight with me over this, yet you’re still so passive aggressive about it. Telling me I’m stupid for not eating enough lunch is probably the least helpful thing you could ever possibly say
If that’s how you choose to try to help me, I...
It really cannot be good for me to constantly shift my attention between various strange obsessions to distract myself from
the real issues at hand
Listen